A year already....

It is hard to imagine that a year has come and gone, so quickly. Seriously, where did the last 365+ days go. There has much I have gained through this experience, knowledge of how my body likes to move, likes it when I nourish it properly... on the flip side it doesn't like laying around or carb overloading. I have gained friendships and encouragers from all walks of life who share a desire to do what is best for our physical selves, through yoga and other means of moving. I have managed to maintain my initial loss of 20 pounds and hope to add to that. I have learned that I am capable of doing more than I thought. I have been blessed with a great group of yoga instructors that push me and all those in class to try the next level and push through the comfort zone to achieve more. I am so grateful to all who have walked beside me and continue to support my efforts along this journey. Special thanks to Stephanie Howard and all her staff at Yoga Hot Spot.

Why I wish this was 'EASY'

This is me, last year August 2012, on vacation, seeing family and the sights of the East coast.

 

I am so blessed to have family and friends all over this country, and I enjoy travelling. I love that my children are exposed to the expanse of this great country, it's history, and beauty.

 

 

I just wish that I was a better role model for healthy living for them. Being thin, is not something I have ever been, even as a child I was heavier than most girls in my class. I have been striving to be healthier and I realize that I must work harder and longer than some to see results. that is where I am now. Taking a hard look at the choices I make and and must continue to make if I am going to be the healthiest me I can be.

 

 

My 2 oldest are in High school and have little time at home with me left, I want to show them that I care enough for me and for them to make these changes. 

 

Here in the Mickey shirt is my youngest, who keeps me on my toes, with her silly giggles and frustrating attitudes, my hope is for her to see me healthier before she finishes grade school.  

 

The choices we all make are based on what we want our result to be, now if I could only get my body and mind to align with my heart.

 

Thank you to all who have continued to be such and encouragement while I fight my way through 40 years of backward, unhealthy choices; looking for the path that will let me be around for another 40.

 

When you hit a wall.... and bounce back

So let's start by being real, January was a rough month for me. Just when every one else on the planet seems on fire to resolve to 'do' this or 'do' that, to better themselves, I felt like I was hitting a virtual wall. In the months of October and November I was digging deep and pulling out all stops in my attendance to yoga class, and to eating well. Even as December approached I was still maintaining a pound or so a week, and losing inches. Then it was like I turned some strange corner of doubt and frustration and gave in to bad habits of sugar and night time snacking galore. I also backed off the number of times a week I was making it into yoga. I feel like I just took a giant fall backwards in my goals to the better me and the journey of doing better things for my health.

In the passed week I have had a couple great conversations with some good friends who have spurred me on to leave January where it is, in the past and get moving with the same desires and fire I had back in the fall.  They have convinced me to look deeper into the why of what I am doing and to realize that God's plan is for me to strive to be a healthy, productive, woman of God, wife and mother; and in order to accomplish the path He has set before me I need to make those daily, hourly, minute to minute choices that strengthen not only my body and my mind but lift my spirit as well to seek Him and this path of health with all I have.

I have been asked to consider if I truly think I 'deserve' to be a thin person. I do not have a simple answer for that, but I will try and keep it short. First and foremost I think that the Lord created us all differently and that being 5'7" blond and 135 pounds is not the 'norm' that media portrays. I believe that we are created in the divine image of our God and that how we look, is based on many things, our environment and our genetics, to name just two.

I know that I have been a healthy, strong, energetic, person who could go to the gym and knock out an hour of cardio and weights, at 5'5" weighing 155.  I was a size 14-16 and felt physically able to take on the world. My health was good, no problems with blood pressure, or cholesterol, or lack of energy.

So I said all that to say this, I do not believe I, or anyone else for that matter, 'deserves' to be skinny or fat, or tall  or short, or to be healthy or to have cancer. I don't think it is a matter of deserving, I think that as part of a created world that has been influenced by a corrupted environment we suffer from both self inflicted actions - like eating crappy junk food and not exercising; but we also suffer from genetics that have spent decades deteriorating because those choices.  I think that you can make choices every day that better your health, and strengthen your body and still have things about your health be out of your control. I know for me that when I make the choice to get up and go to class and eat the foods that fuel my body in positive ways, I feel much better, I sleep better, etc. I hope that this all makes sense to someone besides me; I know that I long to have a healthy body, Lord willing.
This journey is about to take a sharp turn back to getting things done. I am so grateful for all who continue to encourage me, it has been a blessing to share in the stories of others who are struggling to find the balance to care for themselves and their families as well.

I wanted to be able to share at this point that I was down another 10 pounds, but that is not the kind of month I had. I have how ever managed to take another 1 1/2 inches off my waist and I am glad to be down 3 full sizes in my pants.

Been a while...

Sorry to not be keeping up on the blog end of things. I post often on the face book page, and just forget to update here too. As of today, almost 4 months on this journey, I am continuing to lose weight, gain muscle, shrink inches off, and drop sizes in my jeans. I am down 3 sizes and nearly 9 inches in my waist. I have had a few tough weeks and am aiming to get back on track. Thanks to those of you who stop me in class to encourage me.

100 pound loser : ebook review

 

 

 

 

This post by Jessica Heights  came across my Facebook feed and I was so very excited. I have been following her blog for a few years and love her spirit of giving and encouraging.

 

 

 

I answered her call to review her book, downloaded and even printed it out in paper form. I then sat down and read it in a matter of under an hour, underlining and making notes and then rereading the whole thing again. She speaks from a place that I have been and a place that I am journeying to. A mother busy with life, and young ones and the ins and outs of living, who was not taking caring of herself. I too, had put my health on the low rung of the ladder and have just recently begun my own 100+ pound losing journey.

To start off, she captured me with her honesty. Only two lines into the book she states, "I didn't write this for you because I have all the answers."  I just knew I was going to enjoy what she had to say because is was coming from such and honest place. I was constantly encouraged by her words that seemed to be familiar, as though I had played them over and over in my head. Oh yeah, because maybe I have - words like "It was always difficult for me to turn down dessert, to skip seconds, and to back away from the Easter candy." - this is me, this is what I struggle with, this is who I am trying to change for the better.

There is so much truth and honesty as I said, in this book about what weight and our body image says about us. The pinnacle point for me, is the statement,"Not only had I abused the body which I was given to use and govern appropriately as a temple of the Holy Spirit{1 Corinthians 6:19}, but.....  .

You will have to read it for yourself, it is a wonderful overview of the struggles we face not just as moms but women, in our 'relationship' with food and our bodies.

Thank you Jessica for being so open and honest and putting into beautiful words the journey that you took so that others can get a glimpse of the possibilities to have a better, healthier, God filled life.

Before and Afters

 

Sorry to have been forgetting to blog, I have been updating the Facebook page pretty regularly. I had a great measuring at the beginning of the month with a total of 23 ½” lost from neck to calf. It has been super exciting to see my waist be most changed, with a total of 7 inches lost in the 10 weeks.  My weight is staying put, but inches are going and there are parts of me gaining definition or dimpling from the loss of fat and strengthening of muscle. I continue to be blessed to meet new people all the time through class and through my Facebook page who are so encouraging. As we are all on our own journeys it has been thrilling to hear from others that I am able to inspire them.

 

I have taken another set of photos, and will post them here as well. The first ones were in October (blue tank) after one month and then in November (black tank) with 2 months down. I will have to go back and look for some more photos from this summer to really compare, pre-yoga me to now.

On this day of Thanksgiving

For just over 4 years I have been blogging. I have blogged personally about my family and life and counted my blessings on a regular basis. Searching for my 1000th gift of grace. I started out by reading Ann Voskamp's blog Holy Experience and then read her book.counting each joy I came across. today I want to share with you an entry from over a year ago that captures the glimpse of how I long to see my everyday. I long to see it in the smiles and tears, in calm and in calamity.  Please enjoy the blessings that make my life worth fighting for.

Here is the link to that day - July 2011 or you can read it below. Blessings to you all and Happy Thanksgiving!

Every day that I come to blog land and read the eloquent words of many of you, I am blessed beyond measure with the grace and mercy of our LORD. Our days are filled with the mundane so much, the dishes, the laundry, gathering of things. But to daily seek the joys and grace that our Lord has to offer readily to us is more than blessings for this one soul.

I love this community of believers who wants to take it in and then pass it along to help others see the deepness and richness of His blessing pouring out, not just in the Pollyanna sunshine of the days, but in the darkness of the sorrows of ones spirit. He is there, walking along side, carrying at times, holding us together and clearing the path for our next step.

All that we do, those 'tasks' we fill our day with, the holding and hugging and tucking in ---- All that we do is easier done when the focus is on doing it for HIM.

I lack at the doing it well, and unto the Lord a lot more than I like to think about. I know this though that when I choose to do it with gladness, the JOY comes quickly.

The list continues on.....

Sleep in the absence of my love, thunderstorms, consuming passion, forgiveness asked for in poor attitude and given, quiet, moms, neighbors with open doors, piano, sisters playing mancala, lunch with a friend, An amazing journey in this moment reading encouraging words, crickets chirping, searched for and found - placed on fingertips and dancing around, Neighbor who walks down the street to bring pie (just for her and I to share) and catch up, sunny beautiful breezy days, a 'home' to live in, books being read in bed as sun rises, ambition,"There are not words" being whispered in my ear, full moon rising, searching out family history and finding treasures, smores with jumbo marshmallows, fields of wheat, the bluest of skies, rainbows being caught while watering gardens, play dates at park 11 mommas and 24 kids (blessing for sure), beauty in fellowship with God's people, Eating a meal together after a busy week of late nights, peace, being the dinner guest at new friends home, tender dances in the dark with my man, new grass tender and soooooo green, writing gift #555. and remembering that I am my daddy's 5 cents (his nickel) Nicole :) , the list will never end, His richness and blessing are many. His grace surrounds those that lean in close and listen for Words He speaks to us every where in every way.

So Much Information

There is so much, too much, information about the ------

WHAT KIND,

 HOW MUCH,

 WHEN,

IN WHAT ORDER,

 AVOID THIS,

 LOAD UP ON THAT 

---- We should put in our mouths.

Let me start off by saying I personally believe all foods that are of this earth, grown of God's amazing creation are good for us. Let me also say that some things are not good for certain individuals, due to how they were created, whether through allergies or intolerance. I have discovered in the past 3 weeks that Carbs in the form of refined sugars and even in 'good for you' grains make it harder for my body to release weight. So for now I am keeping my carbs low, and enjoying some great proteins and tons of veggies.

Last week as we celebrated my niece's birthday, I ate lots and lots of fruit and yes I had cake, I also fell flat out sugar crashed on Sunday. By Monday I was weening the headache of such an overload, and by Tuesday  my body was begging for water and some protein.

I personally love all things grains (carbohydrates) - crackers, bread, bagels, pasta, chips, rice, chow mien -  you get the idea. I also quite enjoy fruits and vegetables. I have never been a huge protein eater though. I mean I like meat, don't get me wrong, but if I had to choose between pasta and bread or a steak; I would usually take the pasta.

We as Americans,

 I believe have the worst of it when it comes to food issues, 

we have soooooo much we have forgotten to listen to our bodies about 

what, how much and the when of what our bodies really NEED.

I can tell you that I have never been anorexic that goes against my mental and physical love of food. I have at periods of time in high school and early 20's that bulimia was considered, but I am not a good puker. The thought of puking makes me sick and so it was very rare that I would eat enough that I felt binging was the answer.

 I have never been on any formal type of 'dieting' like Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, South Beach, Atkins, or the like. My parents were regulars of 'Shake' meal replacement plans. They both yoyoed for years and I 'knew I did not want to be that person', but here I am 40 and morbidly obese.



I became aware of BMI, waist to hip ratios, body shapes (apple, pear, etc.), and "Ideal" body weights pretty early in life. I have know that my BMI has been over 40% for a long time, I know that I am pear shaped and carry my weight in my belly and hips, my hips and waist are not proportionate at all, and I have been Overweight since high school.

Here is a link to finding your own BMI. The article also discusses body types and such.

 I know that 'ideal' weight is not a 'must achieve' goal, we all carry weight so differently. What I do know is that my body longs to be under 175. I am 15 pounds down and looking forward to my next goal of being down another 15 by December 31st. That would put me at 271, with just a little over 100 to go for my goal weight of 150 by October 2013.

I am grateful to have so many people watching this journey and encouraging me, I would also love to invite you to encourage those in your life that like me struggle with their body image and their health. I am thankful for the love of my family and friends, and for the kindness of all those who are reading along here.


I have only joined a gym 2 times in the past 18 years and truth be told I would go because I was paying for it, but I had only minimal results because I only put in minimal effort. I also do not like to sweat -- but I love my time at Yoga Hot Spot. I feel alive when the hour is over and my body has responded to well to heat and movement of every joint and muscle in my body. I am blessed beyond belief to be on this journey and thankful to have found the right thing for my body and soul that make me long to better myself. I know that the Lord has had more for me for years and I am amazed at his timing.

Thanks for stopping by and if you can take time to follow the page and leave a comment. Here is the link to My 1 Year Journey page on FaceBook, please feel free to like and share it as well.

The Love of My Life

In this month of November there is much to be thankful for. For the Love of my Lord that never fails, for the Love of my husband that graces me daily for the past 18 years, for the Love of our 3 children who are blessed of with 'usual' great health,  for my own health, and for the abundance of blessings that God has provided us over these 18 years together. 

I have been fortunate enough to be married to a man who is given over to the Lord his life, he is humble, and hard working, and for reasons I do not comprehend - in love with me. He is a quiet soul, and I adore the way he has loved me. 

 

My Brother William

 Please know that I am going to tell the story of losing a loved one to SUICIDE and how that changed my life overnight. Incase you do not wish to continue. I want to be sensitive to this subject.

 

 

 

My brother William was born 1 year and 11 days after me. Needless to say we fought a lot growing up, but grew to understand each other. In adulthood we both moved out soon after school and sprouted our own wings.  He went on to graduate with a degree in environmental sciences (he was a smart, young man). He enrolled into the Oregon National guard in 1997 and in the coming years was  deployed several times. We took these pictures after his return from his 7 consecutive tour over seas. He spent a year in the Sinai Peninsula, a tour in Iraq, and 2 to Afghanistan, along with many civilian contracts tours for various companies. He was changed by his time over there and fought with depression off and on. In September of 2008 he took a ride on his new bike, touring state parks in7 states and family and friends along the way. He stopped by for the night to see us, it would be the last time I hugged him and saw him face to face.

 

 

Monopoly was a game that we played in my family since I was young,  BJ took the time to play a quick round with the kids before they headed to bed.

The next morning he saw the kids off to their first day of school and then he pretended to pack up Addysen to take with him, she kept a straight face the whole time. So silly.

 That night we celebrated the first day of school, 5th grade for Emma, and 7th grade for Andrew, by heading out to Chinese. Addysen and I were starting a preschool at home, so excited for the one on one time with her again.

 

The rest of his story is hard to talk about even now 4 years removed. I will begin on November 10th, my sister went into labor and at 9:11 pm, Little Jillane Willow Isadora was born. I talked with my mom, my sister and my brother that night to check in with everyone. this would be the last time I heard his voice.

I would try and contact him several times in the next few days with no response.  On Thursday, my sister come home from the hospital and with a few hours found him, he had taken his own life.  He had been struggling with the finacial down turns as well as, his PTSD from his time overseas, his marriage was rocky, and he was gutting and remodeling my mothers home which was his finacial undertaking. He had been drinking a lot over the passed month and stopped suddenly and turned to  coffee by the gallons. He recieved orders to return overseas as of Mrch of 2009. He did not leave a letter or any form of a note. He called a few people on Tuesday, but none of them actually spoke to him, and on Wednesday he did not answer any of their calls. He was already gone.

Thursday afternoon I recieved a call from sister that I will never forget. I screamed and screamed in disbelief. I cried for the 3 hour drive to Portland and fell asleep on and off from exhaustion of my minds inabliblty to wrap around this.

His funeral would follow 2 weeks later, my mother and sister and her 2 children would come to live with us and instanlty our household doubled from 5 to 9.

I cared for my mother who was traumatised, as well as for my sister and her almost 3 year old, and newborn daughter as well as our own 3 children. Keith was amazing in keeping me grounded and being my strength.

This week in November is always a rough one, I know that I cannot heal my mother's broken heart and my sisters anger at his choice. Only God has been able to heal my sorrow in the wake of his death. I struggled to sleep well, eat well, or get any sort of exercise for the moths that followed.
I gained weight and fluxuated between 260 and 280 for the 3 years that followed. 

I broke down in class on Saturday, when 'Somewhere over the Rainbow' played, I remember that day on the way to the burial, seeing a rainbow in the sky sent for me by the LORD to say, it would all be ok.

So on this day of observing Veterans day, I would like to thank all who have served. My grandfather in WWII, my husband for 8 years as an MP, my brother for service that left darkness in him that he could not escape, and the many others I know still today who have served and are still serving around the world.

My Father

My father was born in 1939, at the end of the Great Depression, just shortly before WWII. He was the youngest of 8 children I believe, his mother had several (over 5 husbands) in her lifetime. His own father left for the war with the navy and never returned home to them but got a new family somewhere else.  My father spent most of his younger years in OH and VA, then moving out to California where he stayed most of his teen life.  Then on to Oregon in the 60's, where he met my mom and was married to her in September of 1970. His family was never very well off and as a young boy he was boarded out during the week so his mother could work. He grew up with a very strained relationship to food.

If it was put in front of you, you better eat it mentality. 

 Not knowing where your next meal would come from or when, or if it would be anything you even cared for were the norms for him.

He brought this mentality into our home, and as we were growing up, it was required that you ate what was placed on your plate (and be thankful for it). We would never dream of tossing food, or saying no to what was offered.

I know that there were plenty of times when I was young that food money was tight and we ate what could be afforded. We ate lots of white foods - whole wheat/grain food were not super common then. My father was a meat and potato kind of guy. He loved bologna & cheese sandwiches, potato chips, soda, and the like.

He was diagnosed with high cholesterol, high blood pressure, hypertension and the like pretty early in his 40's. I don't ever remember a time that my dad was not taking medications. He and my mom both tried various diets through the 70's and 80's. It was never about moving more, or eating real food with real benefits.

My father worked hard his whole life, he kept his job at a machinist shop from 1970 all the way through 2003 when he was force into early retirement do to the company moving to TX.

He was a humble man, a gentle giant of sorts. I remember fondly playing all sorts of games and such with him as a child. he suffered a brain injury when I was in middle school that changed his psyche a little and even I believe changed how is body reacted to certain things.  The damage that years of white sugar eating had done to his liver and the head injury to boot, made him act like a raging drunk at times even though he never partook of alcohol.

Please don't get me wrong, I love my father; after years of not understanding how his health interferred with his emotional balance, I finally do now. I am stubborn like he was, and head strong; I love the simple things in life, good food, a good black and white movie ( aren't too many that are bad),  company of the one I love the most, beauty in creation, and quietness (not that either of us had much of that).

Here is a photo of my family, William (dad), Pamela (mom), Ronald (older brother), William - BJ (younger brother), and Chaun (my sister). We took this photo a few weeks before my brother was leaving for Iraq, and only 6 months before my father died.

This week also marks 4 years since my brother's suicide. I will talk more about that this week and how that loss profoundly changed me.

Down 15 pounds

So this last week as I 'tried' to cut down carbs, my weight went up and down with the low being at just over 16 lbs lost and the high being at the 11 lb mark. I know my body is trying to figure out what the heck I am doing to it and so I will just continue to work my  proverbial butt off and continue to focus on hydration and protein intake and greens.  I am just pleased at having maintained and as I enter that last 2 weeks of the 30 day challenge at Yoga Hot Spot, the challenge is to fit at lest 30 work outs into the 30 days. I am so excited to say I  am ahead of the game with 19 classes in the past 16 days. I wanted to let you all know that I did make it to the POWER class on Saturday and let me just say, they named it spot on. I felt awesome for the few hours after class, and then it hit me; I needed sleep and another hot shower. My shoulders and chest were burning from all the downward dogs and such. I will say this though, it was a good burn, a 'No pain, no gain' kind of burn.


I also heard from a some of you that the comment thing is not working very nicely, so I changed the settings and hope to have made it easier for you to do that. If you have been trying to leave comments and have not been able please try to leave one today, to just say hello, that way I will know.

Having a rough go....

I have been trying to lower my bad carb intake and up my protein and good for you greens. I felt a bit overwhelmed with the process. As I have mentioned I really like food and I must say I love carbs.  My body reacted well right away though and I was glad, by day 5 I was doing ok; but by day 7, I just wasn't sure. Then the weigh in, down 5 pounds.  I was so happy, seriously happy!  By day 10, I wanted bread. Really really wanted bread. So I had a sandwich,a veggie delight actually. Well needless to say that was not what my body wanted, my mind yes; body no. But here we are 1 day later, lots of water and veggies today and my energy is back up. I am trying a new class tomorrow, called Power. Odd since I don't feel very strong, but excited to see what my body can do.

Amazing Morning

Yesterday's post was long but please take time to read it through, I will continue to share why food has been such struggling area in my life in days to come. I mostly just wanted to share the amazing news  of today that I am down 15 pounds.

Me facing my fears

Here is the video shot by friend and Yoga Hot Spot owner Stephanie, her encouragement to take this step on the journey and share my story has been a blessing.

For the Love of Food....

So today I thought I would share with you why I love food.

I love food because it tastes good, it comforts me, it gives me energy. I love food because it helps us celebrate, it helps us mourn. I love food because it smells wonderful, ignites memories of joy, as well as ones of pain. Even in the painful memories though food can calm, it can feel rewarding, it can take you to a peaceful place. Most of us do not eat to 'hurt' ourselves but to enjoy the morsels that pass our lips.

There are plenty of good reason to enjoy food; for the simple reason that it maintains life, nourishes our bodies, strengthens us. Here is where the problem lies for me. I stopped using food for the intent of 'feeding just my body' and began using it to feed lots of places in my life. I used it to feed anger, hurt, happiness, joyfulness, sadness, loneliness, anxiety, you name it. If there was food to be had, why not just eat it.

I have said before that gluttony seems to be a very acceptable sin among the Christian realm. Since drugs are illegal, smoking is stinky and 'bad for our health', drinking in excess or even moderation is looked down on, it seems that the sin of being overweight has become the  ok thing to do. I mean what church isn't all about the 'fellowship of potlucks' and such.  It is socially acceptable to eat in public, to eat  at small gatherings, to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and even to snack.  So here is where I have decided to draw my line in the sand, as you will. 

Just because something is 'good' for us does not make it ok to indulge in it to the point of hurting one's own self.

As I said a few posts ago, God has graced me with very little health issues related to my weight. I have never had high blood pressure, my cholesterol is barely borderline high, I have no pre-diabetic concerns. I do however have fatigue, aches, pains, menstrual issues, and general lack of concern for myself when it comes to my weight. That is until this summer; when I got on the scale and it read 305 at it's highest in August.

I can go back to high school and remember thinking that 145 pounds was crazy, but at the time it was not like I was obese (which was a new medical term in the 90's). I could still shop off the rack at most stores and plus size fashions were coming into mainstream. I even worked at Lane Bryant my senior year. I remember thinking how glad I was to be the size 14 in the room. I just could not imagine being a size 26/28 that was HUGE, I was in disbelief that people could 'let themselves' get that fat.

Well here I sit 22 years later and I am that person. I have let myself care more about everything else in life, than my own health. I can think back to the day I met my OB who would deliver Andrew back in 1995, and reading my weight was something like 212 pounds at the time and seeing the words morbidly obese on the records. I was mad, who was he to say that?  The frustrating part is that at 6 months postpartum with Andrew I weighed about 240.  I was pregnant just shortly after his 1st birthday and delivered Emma in December of 1997 weighing 250ish pounds.  So there it is, at 25, only 7  years removed from high school; having had two children and being married for just over 3 years I had gained almost 100 pounds.

I have said before the Lord is so good and gracious to me. I have had many days that I struggled with being so fat, and carrying on in such a way. What sort of example could I possibly be to my children, or others around me. I had 'control' of most other areas of my life, a clean home, well behaved children, I was active in church and even teaching Bible studies and such. I have always tried to have my children eat healthy, in fact I would say that even I eat healthy for the most part. What I don't do is eat in any form of moderation.


I know that there are many of you out there who like me, love food; Love good healthy food even. I know that there are even some who reading who see the word obese and cringe, because you have seen it written beside your name as well. Part of my journey here in the blog is to be real and to say it like it is.

So here is the truth about why I am morbidly obese --------

 

I have been more than willing to stuff anything I like down my throat.

 

The thing I have been unwilling to ----- with any stick-to-itness ------ is move my body.

 

I know with great head knowlege that to lose this weight I must be willing to expel more calories than I take in, and I must do this in a healthy, live it for the rest of my life, way. 

 

 

I will share with you the photos that Emma snapped for me the other day, these were taken just short of 1 month into this journey. I was down 7-8 pounds weighing in at 293 pounds I believe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Little Bit About Me

I was born in Portland in February of 1972, to my parents William and Pamela.

At the time of my arrival, my parents had been married just over a year and 1/2; my brother Ronald was nearly 5 years older. With in a few days of my first birthday my younger brother William arrived. It would be 5 more years before my little sister Chaun would arrive on the scene.

 

I weighed in at 8 lbs, 6 oz and was for the most part a happy baby.

 

 

 

 

 

We moved  only 3 times before settling in to our home in Gladstone, where I would spend my school years. I have lots of memories of family trips to the beach and Utah to see my mother's family there. I remember my dad putting up the swing you see below and I remember learning how to ride my tricycle on our little lane. I also have my first memory of abuse at this age. I was only 4 maybe almost 5 at the time. I could tell you what I was wearing and the  kind of day it was. I won't go into details, but please know this shaped my life significantly and changed how I trusted people.

 

The next set of photos are from my preteen days, I was very involved in my church; took baton, jazz, tap and piano lessons. I loved to sing and bake and draw. At this age I did not 'think' I was fat but I was keenly aware that I was bigger than a lot of my friends. I was not teased about it very much and when I was, I usually didn't like the person who was being mean so I brushed it off. I was continually abused by extended family and friends of the family, never telling anyone. I learned from both my parents to 'clean my plate' since the next meal might not be as grand. We also ate lots of 'white food - sugar, flour, potato, pasta, bread' and the like. My mother was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes at just over 45 and my father's diabetes went unchecked (because he was not big on doctors). In his ignoring  the signs he died way to early at age 65. He died from complications of Non alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver. Which means even though my father never drank, he died because his liver turned all his 'sugar food' into alcohol, so he died as though he was a raging drunk. His temper was very volatile in his later years, and his diagnosis explained a lot of that behavior. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In high school, my weight topped out at 144 lbs, and remember thinking I could not possibly get any bigger.  I  spent a year away from home living with a friend and her family to get away from all things my life, hoping to escape from the destructive behaviors of eating  poorly and patterns of abuse that were still all around me.The photo  below  - top left is my senior picture, my junior photo is just below that. By age 20, (top right) I was nearing 190 lbs while working full time at a daycare and nannying. The last photos was taken in July of 1994, the day after Keith and I were engaged and was at my strongest, weighing 160 lbs. I had been attending a Gold's Gym for the year I work in CT and lost nearly 60 lbs of fat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I will come back later this month and talk about my struggles with food, and body image.  Just wanted to give a little bio on myself.

Tired....

This passed week the 30 day challenge started and I decided to push myself. I attended a class on Saturday, one on Monday, two on Tuesday, one on Wednesday, three on Thursday and one more this morning. Needless to say my body is tired, right down to my hands and toes. It is amazing to me how many muscles I have not been using in this body of mine. God's creation has been neglected and I am determined with the strength only He can give to press through this ache. It is refreshing to be tired from doing something instead of being tired from nothing.

I'm Deuteronomy 31:6 it says, "Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.

A look at the past 8 years

 

At a later date I will go back and scan some childhood and high school photos, but for today here is where I have been for the past 8 years.

 

 

 

In this photo I am 6 month pregnant with Addysen, and I weighed around 250 at the time.

 

 

 

Here I am just over a year later, still carrying all of the pregnancy weight.

 

Here we are on vacation, in 2009. I had been a pretty consistent 260-270 for over a year at this point.

 

 

 

 

Then this summer we went back East for some family time and wedding, here I am 1 month before my first class weighing just over 300 pounds.

 

There is  plenty of life that had happened in these 8 years, losing my father in May of 2004; followed by having Addysen in February of 2005. Adjusting to life with baby again was interesting. The year after she was born, I gave Curves a try  in spring of 2006 and lost 35 pounds in 6 months; but then life got busy again and I let it all go.  The following 2 years were pretty normal, what ever that means right, but life was just going by. Then in the fall of 2008 my younger brother took his own life. In an instant our lives were changed. My mother, sister and her 2 young children (not quite 3 year old boy and 4 day old girl) came to live with us in our 3 bedroom duplex. To say life was overwhelming would be an understatement, the emotional trauma my mother and sister had experience with his death left them nearly wholly dependant on me. We built a home and moved to Moxee and life went on.  The house was now full with 4 adults and 5 children, all who needed me in some capacity ( my husband being the exception and taking care of me as much as he was able to emotionally and such). The death of my brother brought many things in my past to light  and  I truly  struggled through some days just asking why??

 

In all of these things God has been my rock, and my husband has been my calm. I just kept moving through the motions, but not really caring for myself at all. I have known for along time that God has wanted more for me, that He longs to have me be in a place of helping the hurting, by sharing what I know of His Grace and Mercy.

 

I have struggled with the sin of my gluttony and slothfulness that has lead to my body no longer being an example of the glory He has for us. As the weeks go by I hope to share and open the doors of healing to my childhood paths that have led me to some of the adult choices I still make.

 

Food is not evil, but loving it over all other things is not a healthy path. To have it be such a focus of the day, is just as sinful as any other idol worship.

 

Again this journey is just beginning, thanks for your support and encouragement!