Thursday, November 22, 2012

On this day of Thanksgiving

For just over 4 years I have been blogging. I have blogged personally about my family and life and counted my blessings on a regular basis. Searching for my 1000th gift of grace. I started out by reading Ann Voskamp's blog Holy Experience and then read her book.counting each joy I came across. today I want to share with you an entry from over a year ago that captures the glimpse of how I long to see my everyday. I long to see it in the smiles and tears, in calm and in calamity.  Please enjoy the blessings that make my life worth fighting for.

Here is the link to that day - July 2011 or you can read it below. Blessings to you all and Happy Thanksgiving!

Every day that I come to blog land and read the eloquent words of many of you, I am blessed beyond measure with the grace and mercy of our LORD. Our days are filled with the mundane so much, the dishes, the laundry, gathering of things. But to daily seek the joys and grace that our Lord has to offer readily to us is more than blessings for this one soul.

I love this community of believers who wants to take it in and then pass it along to help others see the deepness and richness of His blessing pouring out, not just in the Pollyanna sunshine of the days, but in the darkness of the sorrows of ones spirit. He is there, walking along side, carrying at times, holding us together and clearing the path for our next step.

All that we do, those 'tasks' we fill our day with, the holding and hugging and tucking in ---- All that we do is easier done when the focus is on doing it for HIM.

I lack at the doing it well, and unto the Lord a lot more than I like to think about. I know this though that when I choose to do it with gladness, the JOY comes quickly.

The list continues on.....

Sleep in the absence of my love, thunderstorms, consuming passion, forgiveness asked for in poor attitude and given, quiet, moms, neighbors with open doors, piano, sisters playing mancala, lunch with a friend, An amazing journey in this moment reading encouraging words, crickets chirping, searched for and found - placed on fingertips and dancing around, Neighbor who walks down the street to bring pie (just for her and I to share) and catch up, sunny beautiful breezy days, a 'home' to live in, books being read in bed as sun rises, ambition,"There are not words" being whispered in my ear, full moon rising, searching out family history and finding treasures, smores with jumbo marshmallows, fields of wheat, the bluest of skies, rainbows being caught while watering gardens, play dates at park 11 mommas and 24 kids (blessing for sure), beauty in fellowship with God's people, Eating a meal together after a busy week of late nights, peace, being the dinner guest at new friends home, tender dances in the dark with my man, new grass tender and soooooo green, writing gift #555. and remembering that I am my daddy's 5 cents (his nickel) Nicole :) , the list will never end, His richness and blessing are many. His grace surrounds those that lean in close and listen for Words He speaks to us every where in every way.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

So Much Information

There is so much, too much, information about the ------
WHAT KIND,
 HOW MUCH,
 WHEN,
IN WHAT ORDER,
 AVOID THIS,
 LOAD UP ON THAT 
---- We should put in our mouths.


Let me start off by saying I personally believe all foods that are of this earth, grown of God's amazing creation are good for us. Let me also say that some things are not good for certain individuals, due to how they were created, whether through allergies or intolerance. I have discovered in the past 3 weeks that Carbs in the form of refined sugars and even in 'good for you' grains make it harder for my body to release weight. So for now I am keeping my carbs low, and enjoying some great proteins and tons of veggies.

Last week as we celebrated my niece's birthday, I ate lots and lots of fruit and yes I had cake, I also fell flat out sugar crashed on Sunday. By Monday I was weening the headache of such an overload, and by Tuesday  my body was begging for water and some protein.

I personally love all things grains (carbohydrates) - crackers, bread, bagels, pasta, chips, rice, chow mien -  you get the idea. I also quite enjoy fruits and vegetables. I have never been a huge protein eater though. I mean I like meat, don't get me wrong, but if I had to choose between pasta and bread or a steak; I would usually take the pasta.

We as Americans,
 I believe have the worst of it when it comes to food issues, 
we have soooooo much we have forgotten to listen to our bodies about 
what, how much and the when of what our bodies really NEED.

I can tell you that I have never been anorexic that goes against my mental and physical love of food. I have at periods of time in high school and early 20's that bulimia was considered, but I am not a good puker. The thought of puking makes me sick and so it was very rare that I would eat enough that I felt binging was the answer.

 I have never been on any formal type of 'dieting' like Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, South Beach, Atkins, or the like. My parents were regulars of 'Shake' meal replacement plans. They both yoyoed for years and I 'knew I did not want to be that person', but here I am 40 and morbidly obese.



I became aware of BMI, waist to hip ratios, body shapes (apple, pear, etc.), and "Ideal" body weights pretty early in life. I have know that my BMI has been over 40% for a long time, I know that I am pear shaped and carry my weight in my belly and hips, my hips and waist are not proportionate at all, and I have been Overweight since high school.

Here is a link to finding your own BMI. The article also discusses body types and such.

 I know that 'ideal' weight is not a 'must achieve' goal, we all carry weight so differently. What I do know is that my body longs to be under 175. I am 15 pounds down and looking forward to my next goal of being down another 15 by December 31st. That would put me at 271, with just a little over 100 to go for my goal weight of 150 by October 2013.

I am grateful to have so many people watching this journey and encouraging me, I would also love to invite you to encourage those in your life that like me struggle with their body image and their health. I am thankful for the love of my family and friends, and for the kindness of all those who are reading along here.


I have only joined a gym 2 times in the past 18 years and truth be told I would go because I was paying for it, but I had only minimal results because I only put in minimal effort. I also do not like to sweat -- but I love my time at Yoga Hot Spot. I feel alive when the hour is over and my body has responded to well to heat and movement of every joint and muscle in my body. I am blessed beyond belief to be on this journey and thankful to have found the right thing for my body and soul that make me long to better myself. I know that the Lord has had more for me for years and I am amazed at his timing.

Thanks for stopping by and if you can take time to follow the page and leave a comment. Here is the link to My 1 Year Journey page on FaceBook, please feel free to like and share it as well.



The Love of My Life

In this month of November there is much to be thankful for. For the Love of my Lord that never fails, for the Love of my husband that graces me daily for the past 18 years, for the Love of our 3 children who are blessed of with 'usual' great health,  for my own health, and for the abundance of blessings that God has provided us over these 18 years together. 


I have been fortunate enough to be married to a man who is given over to the Lord his life, he is humble, and hard working, and for reasons I do not comprehend - in love with me. He is a quiet soul, and I adore the way he has loved me. 


 

Monday, November 12, 2012

My Brother William

 Please know that I am going to tell the story of losing a loved one to SUICIDE and how that changed my life overnight. Incase you do not wish to continue. I want to be sensitive to this subject.
 
 
 
My brother William was born 1 year and 11 days after me. Needless to say we fought a lot growing up, but grew to understand each other. In adulthood we both moved out soon after school and sprouted our own wings.  He went on to graduate with a degree in environmental sciences (he was a smart, young man). He enrolled into the Oregon National guard in 1997 and in the coming years was  deployed several times. We took these pictures after his return from his 7 consecutive tour over seas. He spent a year in the Sinai Peninsula, a tour in Iraq, and 2 to Afghanistan, along with many civilian contracts tours for various companies. He was changed by his time over there and fought with depression off and on. In September of 2008 he took a ride on his new bike, touring state parks in7 states and family and friends along the way. He stopped by for the night to see us, it would be the last time I hugged him and saw him face to face.




 
 

Monopoly was a game that we played in my family since I was young,  BJ took the time to play a quick round with the kids before they headed to bed.



The next morning he saw the kids off to their first day of school and then he pretended to pack up Addysen to take with him, she kept a straight face the whole time. So silly.





 That night we celebrated the first day of school, 5th grade for Emma, and 7th grade for Andrew, by heading out to Chinese. Addysen and I were starting a preschool at home, so excited for the one on one time with her again.
 





The rest of his story is hard to talk about even now 4 years removed. I will begin on November 10th, my sister went into labor and at 9:11 pm, Little Jillane Willow Isadora was born. I talked with my mom, my sister and my brother that night to check in with everyone. this would be the last time I heard his voice.



I would try and contact him several times in the next few days with no response.  On Thursday, my sister come home from the hospital and with a few hours found him, he had taken his own life.  He had been struggling with the finacial down turns as well as, his PTSD from his time overseas, his marriage was rocky, and he was gutting and remodeling my mothers home which was his finacial undertaking. He had been drinking a lot over the passed month and stopped suddenly and turned to  coffee by the gallons. He recieved orders to return overseas as of Mrch of 2009. He did not leave a letter or any form of a note. He called a few people on Tuesday, but none of them actually spoke to him, and on Wednesday he did not answer any of their calls. He was already gone.

Thursday afternoon I recieved a call from sister that I will never forget. I screamed and screamed in disbelief. I cried for the 3 hour drive to Portland and fell asleep on and off from exhaustion of my minds inabliblty to wrap around this.



His funeral would follow 2 weeks later, my mother and sister and her 2 children would come to live with us and instanlty our household doubled from 5 to 9.

I cared for my mother who was traumatised, as well as for my sister and her almost 3 year old, and newborn daughter as well as our own 3 children. Keith was amazing in keeping me grounded and being my strength.

This week in November is always a rough one, I know that I cannot heal my mother's broken heart and my sisters anger at his choice. Only God has been able to heal my sorrow in the wake of his death. I struggled to sleep well, eat well, or get any sort of exercise for the moths that followed.
I gained weight and fluxuated between 260 and 280 for the 3 years that followed. 

I broke down in class on Saturday, when 'Somewhere over the Rainbow' played, I remember that day on the way to the burial, seeing a rainbow in the sky sent for me by the LORD to say, it would all be ok.



So on this day of observing Veterans day, I would like to thank all who have served. My grandfather in WWII, my husband for 8 years as an MP, my brother for service that left darkness in him that he could not escape, and the many others I know still today who have served and are still serving around the world.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

My Father

My father was born in 1939, at the end of the Great Depression, just shortly before WWII. He was the youngest of 8 children I believe, his mother had several (over 5 husbands) in her lifetime. His own father left for the war with the navy and never returned home to them but got a new family somewhere else.  My father spent most of his younger years in OH and VA, then moving out to California where he stayed most of his teen life.  Then on to Oregon in the 60's, where he met my mom and was married to her in September of 1970. His family was never very well off and as a young boy he was boarded out during the week so his mother could work. He grew up with a very strained relationship to food.

If it was put in front of you, you better eat it mentality. 

 Not knowing where your next meal would come from or when, or if it would be anything you even cared for were the norms for him.

He brought this mentality into our home, and as we were growing up, it was required that you ate what was placed on your plate (and be thankful for it). We would never dream of tossing food, or saying no to what was offered.

I know that there were plenty of times when I was young that food money was tight and we ate what could be afforded. We ate lots of white foods - whole wheat/grain food were not super common then. My father was a meat and potato kind of guy. He loved bologna & cheese sandwiches, potato chips, soda, and the like.

He was diagnosed with high cholesterol, high blood pressure, hypertension and the like pretty early in his 40's. I don't ever remember a time that my dad was not taking medications. He and my mom both tried various diets through the 70's and 80's. It was never about moving more, or eating real food with real benefits.

My father worked hard his whole life, he kept his job at a machinist shop from 1970 all the way through 2003 when he was force into early retirement do to the company moving to TX.

He was a humble man, a gentle giant of sorts. I remember fondly playing all sorts of games and such with him as a child. he suffered a brain injury when I was in middle school that changed his psyche a little and even I believe changed how is body reacted to certain things.  The damage that years of white sugar eating had done to his liver and the head injury to boot, made him act like a raging drunk at times even though he never partook of alcohol.

Please don't get me wrong, I love my father; after years of not understanding how his health interferred with his emotional balance, I finally do now. I am stubborn like he was, and head strong; I love the simple things in life, good food, a good black and white movie ( aren't too many that are bad),  company of the one I love the most, beauty in creation, and quietness (not that either of us had much of that).

Here is a photo of my family, William (dad), Pamela (mom), Ronald (older brother), William - BJ (younger brother), and Chaun (my sister). We took this photo a few weeks before my brother was leaving for Iraq, and only 6 months before my father died.

This week also marks 4 years since my brother's suicide. I will talk more about that this week and how that loss profoundly changed me.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Down 15 pounds

So this last week as I 'tried' to cut down carbs, my weight went up and down with the low being at just over 16 lbs lost and the high being at the 11 lb mark. I know my body is trying to figure out what the heck I am doing to it and so I will just continue to work my  proverbial butt off and continue to focus on hydration and protein intake and greens.  I am just pleased at having maintained and as I enter that last 2 weeks of the 30 day challenge at Yoga Hot Spot, the challenge is to fit at lest 30 work outs into the 30 days. I am so excited to say I  am ahead of the game with 19 classes in the past 16 days. I wanted to let you all know that I did make it to the POWER class on Saturday and let me just say, they named it spot on. I felt awesome for the few hours after class, and then it hit me; I needed sleep and another hot shower. My shoulders and chest were burning from all the downward dogs and such. I will say this though, it was a good burn, a 'No pain, no gain' kind of burn.


I also heard from a some of you that the comment thing is not working very nicely, so I changed the settings and hope to have made it easier for you to do that. If you have been trying to leave comments and have not been able please try to leave one today, to just say hello, that way I will know.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Having a rough go....

I have been trying to lower my bad carb intake and up my protein and good for you greens. I felt a bit overwhelmed with the process. As I have mentioned I really like food and I must say I love carbs.  My body reacted well right away though and I was glad, by day 5 I was doing ok; but by day 7, I just wasn't sure. Then the weigh in, down 5 pounds.  I was so happy, seriously happy!  By day 10, I wanted bread. Really really wanted bread. So I had a sandwich,a veggie delight actually. Well needless to say that was not what my body wanted, my mind yes; body no. But here we are 1 day later, lots of water and veggies today and my energy is back up. I am trying a new class tomorrow, called Power. Odd since I don't feel very strong, but excited to see what my body can do.