My Brother William

 Please know that I am going to tell the story of losing a loved one to SUICIDE and how that changed my life overnight. Incase you do not wish to continue. I want to be sensitive to this subject.

 

 

 

My brother William was born 1 year and 11 days after me. Needless to say we fought a lot growing up, but grew to understand each other. In adulthood we both moved out soon after school and sprouted our own wings.  He went on to graduate with a degree in environmental sciences (he was a smart, young man). He enrolled into the Oregon National guard in 1997 and in the coming years was  deployed several times. We took these pictures after his return from his 7 consecutive tour over seas. He spent a year in the Sinai Peninsula, a tour in Iraq, and 2 to Afghanistan, along with many civilian contracts tours for various companies. He was changed by his time over there and fought with depression off and on. In September of 2008 he took a ride on his new bike, touring state parks in7 states and family and friends along the way. He stopped by for the night to see us, it would be the last time I hugged him and saw him face to face.

 

 

Monopoly was a game that we played in my family since I was young,  BJ took the time to play a quick round with the kids before they headed to bed.

The next morning he saw the kids off to their first day of school and then he pretended to pack up Addysen to take with him, she kept a straight face the whole time. So silly.

 That night we celebrated the first day of school, 5th grade for Emma, and 7th grade for Andrew, by heading out to Chinese. Addysen and I were starting a preschool at home, so excited for the one on one time with her again.

 

The rest of his story is hard to talk about even now 4 years removed. I will begin on November 10th, my sister went into labor and at 9:11 pm, Little Jillane Willow Isadora was born. I talked with my mom, my sister and my brother that night to check in with everyone. this would be the last time I heard his voice.

I would try and contact him several times in the next few days with no response.  On Thursday, my sister come home from the hospital and with a few hours found him, he had taken his own life.  He had been struggling with the finacial down turns as well as, his PTSD from his time overseas, his marriage was rocky, and he was gutting and remodeling my mothers home which was his finacial undertaking. He had been drinking a lot over the passed month and stopped suddenly and turned to  coffee by the gallons. He recieved orders to return overseas as of Mrch of 2009. He did not leave a letter or any form of a note. He called a few people on Tuesday, but none of them actually spoke to him, and on Wednesday he did not answer any of their calls. He was already gone.

Thursday afternoon I recieved a call from sister that I will never forget. I screamed and screamed in disbelief. I cried for the 3 hour drive to Portland and fell asleep on and off from exhaustion of my minds inabliblty to wrap around this.

His funeral would follow 2 weeks later, my mother and sister and her 2 children would come to live with us and instanlty our household doubled from 5 to 9.

I cared for my mother who was traumatised, as well as for my sister and her almost 3 year old, and newborn daughter as well as our own 3 children. Keith was amazing in keeping me grounded and being my strength.

This week in November is always a rough one, I know that I cannot heal my mother's broken heart and my sisters anger at his choice. Only God has been able to heal my sorrow in the wake of his death. I struggled to sleep well, eat well, or get any sort of exercise for the moths that followed.
I gained weight and fluxuated between 260 and 280 for the 3 years that followed. 

I broke down in class on Saturday, when 'Somewhere over the Rainbow' played, I remember that day on the way to the burial, seeing a rainbow in the sky sent for me by the LORD to say, it would all be ok.

So on this day of observing Veterans day, I would like to thank all who have served. My grandfather in WWII, my husband for 8 years as an MP, my brother for service that left darkness in him that he could not escape, and the many others I know still today who have served and are still serving around the world.