Amazing Morning

Yesterday's post was long but please take time to read it through, I will continue to share why food has been such struggling area in my life in days to come. I mostly just wanted to share the amazing news  of today that I am down 15 pounds.

Me facing my fears

Here is the video shot by friend and Yoga Hot Spot owner Stephanie, her encouragement to take this step on the journey and share my story has been a blessing.

For the Love of Food....

So today I thought I would share with you why I love food.

I love food because it tastes good, it comforts me, it gives me energy. I love food because it helps us celebrate, it helps us mourn. I love food because it smells wonderful, ignites memories of joy, as well as ones of pain. Even in the painful memories though food can calm, it can feel rewarding, it can take you to a peaceful place. Most of us do not eat to 'hurt' ourselves but to enjoy the morsels that pass our lips.

There are plenty of good reason to enjoy food; for the simple reason that it maintains life, nourishes our bodies, strengthens us. Here is where the problem lies for me. I stopped using food for the intent of 'feeding just my body' and began using it to feed lots of places in my life. I used it to feed anger, hurt, happiness, joyfulness, sadness, loneliness, anxiety, you name it. If there was food to be had, why not just eat it.

I have said before that gluttony seems to be a very acceptable sin among the Christian realm. Since drugs are illegal, smoking is stinky and 'bad for our health', drinking in excess or even moderation is looked down on, it seems that the sin of being overweight has become the  ok thing to do. I mean what church isn't all about the 'fellowship of potlucks' and such.  It is socially acceptable to eat in public, to eat  at small gatherings, to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and even to snack.  So here is where I have decided to draw my line in the sand, as you will. 

Just because something is 'good' for us does not make it ok to indulge in it to the point of hurting one's own self.

As I said a few posts ago, God has graced me with very little health issues related to my weight. I have never had high blood pressure, my cholesterol is barely borderline high, I have no pre-diabetic concerns. I do however have fatigue, aches, pains, menstrual issues, and general lack of concern for myself when it comes to my weight. That is until this summer; when I got on the scale and it read 305 at it's highest in August.

I can go back to high school and remember thinking that 145 pounds was crazy, but at the time it was not like I was obese (which was a new medical term in the 90's). I could still shop off the rack at most stores and plus size fashions were coming into mainstream. I even worked at Lane Bryant my senior year. I remember thinking how glad I was to be the size 14 in the room. I just could not imagine being a size 26/28 that was HUGE, I was in disbelief that people could 'let themselves' get that fat.

Well here I sit 22 years later and I am that person. I have let myself care more about everything else in life, than my own health. I can think back to the day I met my OB who would deliver Andrew back in 1995, and reading my weight was something like 212 pounds at the time and seeing the words morbidly obese on the records. I was mad, who was he to say that?  The frustrating part is that at 6 months postpartum with Andrew I weighed about 240.  I was pregnant just shortly after his 1st birthday and delivered Emma in December of 1997 weighing 250ish pounds.  So there it is, at 25, only 7  years removed from high school; having had two children and being married for just over 3 years I had gained almost 100 pounds.

I have said before the Lord is so good and gracious to me. I have had many days that I struggled with being so fat, and carrying on in such a way. What sort of example could I possibly be to my children, or others around me. I had 'control' of most other areas of my life, a clean home, well behaved children, I was active in church and even teaching Bible studies and such. I have always tried to have my children eat healthy, in fact I would say that even I eat healthy for the most part. What I don't do is eat in any form of moderation.


I know that there are many of you out there who like me, love food; Love good healthy food even. I know that there are even some who reading who see the word obese and cringe, because you have seen it written beside your name as well. Part of my journey here in the blog is to be real and to say it like it is.

So here is the truth about why I am morbidly obese --------

 

I have been more than willing to stuff anything I like down my throat.

 

The thing I have been unwilling to ----- with any stick-to-itness ------ is move my body.

 

I know with great head knowlege that to lose this weight I must be willing to expel more calories than I take in, and I must do this in a healthy, live it for the rest of my life, way. 

 

 

I will share with you the photos that Emma snapped for me the other day, these were taken just short of 1 month into this journey. I was down 7-8 pounds weighing in at 293 pounds I believe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Little Bit About Me

I was born in Portland in February of 1972, to my parents William and Pamela.

At the time of my arrival, my parents had been married just over a year and 1/2; my brother Ronald was nearly 5 years older. With in a few days of my first birthday my younger brother William arrived. It would be 5 more years before my little sister Chaun would arrive on the scene.

 

I weighed in at 8 lbs, 6 oz and was for the most part a happy baby.

 

 

 

 

 

We moved  only 3 times before settling in to our home in Gladstone, where I would spend my school years. I have lots of memories of family trips to the beach and Utah to see my mother's family there. I remember my dad putting up the swing you see below and I remember learning how to ride my tricycle on our little lane. I also have my first memory of abuse at this age. I was only 4 maybe almost 5 at the time. I could tell you what I was wearing and the  kind of day it was. I won't go into details, but please know this shaped my life significantly and changed how I trusted people.

 

The next set of photos are from my preteen days, I was very involved in my church; took baton, jazz, tap and piano lessons. I loved to sing and bake and draw. At this age I did not 'think' I was fat but I was keenly aware that I was bigger than a lot of my friends. I was not teased about it very much and when I was, I usually didn't like the person who was being mean so I brushed it off. I was continually abused by extended family and friends of the family, never telling anyone. I learned from both my parents to 'clean my plate' since the next meal might not be as grand. We also ate lots of 'white food - sugar, flour, potato, pasta, bread' and the like. My mother was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes at just over 45 and my father's diabetes went unchecked (because he was not big on doctors). In his ignoring  the signs he died way to early at age 65. He died from complications of Non alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver. Which means even though my father never drank, he died because his liver turned all his 'sugar food' into alcohol, so he died as though he was a raging drunk. His temper was very volatile in his later years, and his diagnosis explained a lot of that behavior. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In high school, my weight topped out at 144 lbs, and remember thinking I could not possibly get any bigger.  I  spent a year away from home living with a friend and her family to get away from all things my life, hoping to escape from the destructive behaviors of eating  poorly and patterns of abuse that were still all around me.The photo  below  - top left is my senior picture, my junior photo is just below that. By age 20, (top right) I was nearing 190 lbs while working full time at a daycare and nannying. The last photos was taken in July of 1994, the day after Keith and I were engaged and was at my strongest, weighing 160 lbs. I had been attending a Gold's Gym for the year I work in CT and lost nearly 60 lbs of fat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I will come back later this month and talk about my struggles with food, and body image.  Just wanted to give a little bio on myself.

Tired....

This passed week the 30 day challenge started and I decided to push myself. I attended a class on Saturday, one on Monday, two on Tuesday, one on Wednesday, three on Thursday and one more this morning. Needless to say my body is tired, right down to my hands and toes. It is amazing to me how many muscles I have not been using in this body of mine. God's creation has been neglected and I am determined with the strength only He can give to press through this ache. It is refreshing to be tired from doing something instead of being tired from nothing.

I'm Deuteronomy 31:6 it says, "Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.

A look at the past 8 years

 

At a later date I will go back and scan some childhood and high school photos, but for today here is where I have been for the past 8 years.

 

 

 

In this photo I am 6 month pregnant with Addysen, and I weighed around 250 at the time.

 

 

 

Here I am just over a year later, still carrying all of the pregnancy weight.

 

Here we are on vacation, in 2009. I had been a pretty consistent 260-270 for over a year at this point.

 

 

 

 

Then this summer we went back East for some family time and wedding, here I am 1 month before my first class weighing just over 300 pounds.

 

There is  plenty of life that had happened in these 8 years, losing my father in May of 2004; followed by having Addysen in February of 2005. Adjusting to life with baby again was interesting. The year after she was born, I gave Curves a try  in spring of 2006 and lost 35 pounds in 6 months; but then life got busy again and I let it all go.  The following 2 years were pretty normal, what ever that means right, but life was just going by. Then in the fall of 2008 my younger brother took his own life. In an instant our lives were changed. My mother, sister and her 2 young children (not quite 3 year old boy and 4 day old girl) came to live with us in our 3 bedroom duplex. To say life was overwhelming would be an understatement, the emotional trauma my mother and sister had experience with his death left them nearly wholly dependant on me. We built a home and moved to Moxee and life went on.  The house was now full with 4 adults and 5 children, all who needed me in some capacity ( my husband being the exception and taking care of me as much as he was able to emotionally and such). The death of my brother brought many things in my past to light  and  I truly  struggled through some days just asking why??

 

In all of these things God has been my rock, and my husband has been my calm. I just kept moving through the motions, but not really caring for myself at all. I have known for along time that God has wanted more for me, that He longs to have me be in a place of helping the hurting, by sharing what I know of His Grace and Mercy.

 

I have struggled with the sin of my gluttony and slothfulness that has lead to my body no longer being an example of the glory He has for us. As the weeks go by I hope to share and open the doors of healing to my childhood paths that have led me to some of the adult choices I still make.

 

Food is not evil, but loving it over all other things is not a healthy path. To have it be such a focus of the day, is just as sinful as any other idol worship.

 

Again this journey is just beginning, thanks for your support and encouragement!

Making a Plan is 1/3 the battle

So here is the calendar in our kitchen that let's everyone know what is going on, mostly. I have written out my times and committed to 34 hoping to make it to all of them but aiming for no less than 30.  

I also wanted to include a song for you all this morning.

 There are lots of things we need to be healed from, as we grow in our walk of life. I have been a Christian for almost 18 years and find that healing from the past is not an easy road. As this journey continues I hope to share with you the heart aches and trials of childhood abuse and emotional devastation as an adult that have continued to hold me so close to food as a comfort. I have known for along time that my addiction to food, and adverse response to exercise is why my body is constantly hurting at age 40.

Thanks again for stopping by, I am looking forward to a double dose of classes tonight with Hatha followed by Yin. Enjoy your Tuesday! God Bless!

Starting the day off early

So I started the morning off with an early rise and 5 am class. It was warm start to a cold wet day.  One of the tips for the challenge was to plan for it so I put it all on the calendar and to make sure I would get in 30, I planned for 34 total. Started the week off right, and looking forward to 6 more classes this week.

Encougaement for Today

Be encouraged by this man's story of great recovery from severe brokeness!

 

 

 

 

 

That first morning of meeting with Stephanie at the studio she shared this video with me. I had watched it before, but there was something different about seeing how physically broken this man was and how by having one person take faith him that he could be helped, he changed his life.

I am overweight, and yes clinically considered morbidly obese, but God has protected me to this point to have never needed medication for any sort of disease - high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, hypertension, ALL run in my family; and yet I have avoided them, by the grace of God. I have never blown a knee, torn a tendon, or herniated anything except my bellybutton.

I have had 3 children and never had gestational diabetes either.Being at the weight of 220 pound when delivering my first child Andrew, I was not able to dilate quickly enough and due to my low carry of abdominal fat my doctor took the easy way and literally unzipped or let me rephrase tha ripped open my abdomen cutting from my belly button to my pelvic muscle, severing all layers of my stomach. I then has our second child with in 2 years and had to have the same cut done for safety. It was years before I could lay on my belly with out wincing.  

So that day, after talking with Stephanie, I walked through the door to the VERY WARM not quite hot room and took the first steps to this journey. That was 3 weeks and 4 days ago, I have attended 16 classes in that time. Let me tell you, I have sweat and worked my body harder in the last 24 days than in the last 24 years, no kidding.  today marks the beginning for Yoga Hot Spots 30 Day Challenge. This morning class with Kristen was a refreshing start to my Saturday.

One reason I can connect to the yoga is that I grew up dancing, and loved it; tap and jazz were wonderful. I have a natural balance, even at this weight that surprises even me. I am also pleased to say I can lay and work through most of the floor/belly down poses with out pain, along with my sciatic not screaming at me as I lay on my back.

Thank you again for stopping by and please feel free to leave a comment. Be encouraged that, I was scared - literally scared to attend the first class, to take this step;

BUT MY FEAR AND DISGUST

OF BEING THE BIGGEST PERSON IN MY EVERY DAY LIFE

HAS GIVEN WAY TO THE COURAGE

TO BE THE BIGGEST ONE IN THE EXERCISE ROOM

FOR A LITTLE WHILE SO THAT I CAN BE HEALTHY,

AND PURPOSEFUL IN MY EVERYDAY LIFE AS GOD INTENDED.

 

 

 

 

Have a blessed day!

 

 

 

 



Why Now....

 

 

 

 

I have so much to say about this photo. Walking with my head down, red faced and tired. We had taken a very extended 3 week vacation  on the East coast and visited tons of sights and had lots of family time; but it was shadowed plenty of times with me being too hot and too tired and too well out of shape to enjoy some of it. This is not the year of 40 that I had been hoping for. I know that God has bigger plans for me and my weight and health are holding me back from reaching out and serving more, because of how I see myself most days. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed - beyond measure with a wonderful husband who loves me, and honors God in our marriage; we have 3 beautiful children. I have been able to be at home for almost 100 % of their lives and love the blessings of being their mom. I do not sit around and hate myself on a daily basis, but I am reminded everyday, by the aches, pains and emotional baggage of the weight I bare that this is not the body that God is honored by.

 

 

 Then in September I contacted a friend who seemed to be doing well with her health and life.I have known Stephanie Howard for almost 7 years, we met when Addysen was only a few months old at MOPS in Selah, WA. I was intrigued when I heard she was opening a yoga studio nearly 2 years ago; I asked her about it, and continued asking her about it for over a year. We had several little back and forth about how I should come be and check it out. Then upon returning from vacation she and I began chatting a bit and this is where the healing began.....

• Nicole Spellman

  • Hey there friend, is there a time I can come see you, kinda one on one to talk about cost and the reality of my unhealthy body - longing for strength? I would love to give yoga a try, life just seems to always be in the way. I see your strength and health and I am so proud of the woman you are, living life fully. Talk soon, - Nicole
• 
  

  September 23

  Stephanie Ulin Howard

  • Miss you Nicole...I am at the studio each day and some evenings! Tuesday-Friday! What is good day for you? I miss you... seriously, I'm same person just better and stronger...and finally without pain!